


when you're around me, i'm radioactive

by blowmeharry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Free Verse, M/M, One Shot, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, brief cutting scene, but don't read if it's a trigger i guess, like really brief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:59:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blowmeharry/pseuds/blowmeharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>there’s a burning<br/>in his heart<br/>that’s always been there<br/>and even though it was harry<br/>who ignited the flame<br/>it was also he<br/>who put out the fire</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you're around me, i'm radioactive

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this took me like a day to write because the idea just came to me and i attempted free verse (sort of??) so tell me what you think
> 
> i listed all the triggers in the tags so please only read if you can handle it 
> 
> song title from radioactive by marina and the diamonds  
> but listen to this it's really cool http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhdxlMnrdr8

sometimes life moves so quickly

you don’t even have a chance

to catch your breath

 

it is the second week in the summer

when harry breaks the news to him

the day truly lives up to the season

bright and ninety degrees

the skies blue and clear of clouds

but the sun is leaving louis’ world

 

he keeps a straight face

nods as he takes the information in

smiles when he needs to

to reassure harry

that he’s happy for him

 

but harry is moving

he’s leaving doncaster

and they may never see each other again

louis has seen this before

and knows that it can’t end well

it’s only for a year

but that’s a long time

and harry won’t remember him

nobody remembers him

 

he wishes harry had told him sooner

so he could patch himself up

sew his heart back together

protect the wound from further damage

though it’s beyond repair

and it’s been like this

for as long as he can remember

 

so louis watches him leave

wants to kiss him goodbye

wants to show how much he’ll miss him

wants to tell him he loves him

that he’s loved him all along

 

he goes to the goodbye party

he receives hugs

a kiss on the cheek to live by

and as he looks back

one final time

he tells himself

this is it

 

he sees harry one last time

waves goodbye to him at the airport

makes his way home

and passes out on the couch

his mind explodes

and it’s another missed opportunity

another mistake

 

louis met harry

like you met any other person

no special occurrence

nothing unique to share

but he was absolutely lucky

for someone as complex as harry

to show up in his life

 

it isn’t easy

finding out that

the boy you spoke to for months

is interested in your gender

and that you have a chance

even though it’s hardly likely

 

and louis was right

you see

harry had eyes

for someone else

someone prettier than him

someone skinnier than him

someone better than him

someone with parts

he could only dream of having

louis didn’t want to be a girl

and maybe this was just

second-guessing

but it only adds to the reasons

why louis is so unlovable

why he doesn’t deserve harry anyway

 

he embarrassed himself

thinking he had a chance

but he’s lucky

to still have harry there

even though

he’s not here

 

so louis lives his life

he hears from harry

every now and then

for a while

harry talks to him nearly every day

and then it all seems to stop

for some unknown reason

 

louis worries a little

but he gets over it

or at least

he pretends to forget

for the sake

of calming himself

for the benefit

of breathing

a little easier

 

he pulls himself out of bed

after hours of self-loathing

it takes him longer to get dressed

because he has no one to impress

nothing to look forward to

 

he goes out at night

leaves his flatmate behind

who asks no questions

only lets him do as he pleases

 

louis has always loved boys

he meets a lot of them

tan boys

skinny boys

muscular boys

boys with nice arses

boys with six-packs

boys with long torsos

and dimples

and bright green eyes

and wide smiles

and curly hair

and raspy voices

he fucks them hard

some of them more than once

and forgets harry’s face

a little bit each time

 

he stays in uni

despite how much

he’d rather fall off

the face of the earth

he studies for his exams

sometimes

and when he doesn’t feel

like ripping off his skin

he’ll talk to his flatmate

and tell him

he feels like shit

and zayn will hold him

and comfort him

sometimes make him feel better

if only for the night

 

he lays in bed at night

clutches the duvet tightly

sometimes when he’s desperate

he’ll pull out his phone

and listen to harry’s tracks

the ones he’s recorded

of his voice

louis has always loved that

about harry

the way he’s passionate about things

like singing

and always doing the right thing

and living carefree

and treating people right

and giving full effort

 

after hours of lying awake

louis tosses in his sleep

side to side

he thinks of harry’s eyes

and how a color so unique

can even exist

he has to hug a pillow

to pretend that harry is there

but even the images

of holding harry

seem so far away

 

he only feels pathetic

every once in a while

when he remembers something

harry has told him months ago

silly little things

he shouldn’t even think about

like how harry loves indie music

how he loves driving late at night

and taking the fast lane

and driving to new places

and pretending he’s okay

when he’s freaking out

and how louis used to

pat tiny circles on his back

even though he knows

he’s only as helpful to harry

as he is to himself

 

his breakdowns

aren’t as frequent

as he’d expected

but he cries more often

than he’s used to

and he curses his existence

more than anything else

and wishes the world

were a little less cruel

and that he didn’t have to suffer

all because of a silly crush

 

he sleeps with more men

so many men

that he loses count

but he really doesn’t care

because with every fuck

with every pill he swallows

with every drink he consumes

the duller his senses become

the more blurry his memories get

the more he finds himself laughing

at the idea that he’s been so upset

for such a stupid reason

which doesn’t really make him feel

any less pathetic than before

but it’s a work in process

 

he sees the girl

once or twice

they talk very cautiously

as if they are both afraid

louis learns that

her name is amanda

that she misses harry too

and that she claims

to be his best friend

which causes him to clench his fists

but he keeps them at his side

because this was the truth

he should have accepted

long ago

so he sends his best regards

and admits he misses him too

but he doesn’t tell her how harry makes him feel

how harry gets under his skin

and makes him feel like he’s not good enough

like he’ll never amount to anything

but still somehow manages

to make him feel alive and on top of the world

and louis would honestly give anything

to hear his voice again

because nothing can replace

the way harry says his name

 

he doesn’t speak to her again

and maybe it’s for the best

and maybe he shouldn’t have

made that passive-aggressive status

but everyone makes mistakes

and he apologises the next day

but it’s clear that saying sorry

wouldn’t fix the problem

that had always been there

 

louis gets a job

he serves people five hours a day

and receives good tips sometimes

and sometimes there are rude customers

but he treats them well

because he knows

harry would have wanted that

but louis isn’t perfect

he loses his temper

more than his co-workers

and people often get up and leave

but he thinks that

it isn’t really any different

than how everything else works

in his life

 

harry drops all communication

but louis is beyond caring

he wakes up every morning

with a little whiskey in his coffee

a pack of cigarettes on his nightstand

that zayn graciously lets him borrow

he sleeps in most of the time

and doesn’t go to uni

because he doesn’t really have a future

he doesn’t know if he should blame harry

but he can’t help but feel

that this is how it was supposed to be

all along

that bright smiles and dimples

only came into his life

to prove to him

that he is worthless

 

zayn is lost

almost as lost as louis

but he’s found

a way to cope with it

he sells drugs

weed

cocaine

meth

heroin

the whole deal

but since louis is his best friend

he gets the stuff for free

and it makes him smile

because even in a cruel world

that has nothing kind to offer

at least louis has someone

that will never leave

 

louis only thinks of harry

when he’s sitting

on the edge of

his apartment building

popping a pill

and laughing

because everything

is so funny

and dizzy

and confusing

and terrible

and beautiful

and sad

and unreal

and life is fast

and it drags on

and he doesn’t know

how he became this way

how it only took him ten months

to realise that life

was beautiful

especially from this altitude

and maybe

he should have jumped that day

but the ground didn’t look far enough

for the fall he deserved

 

when harry comes back a year later

louis has convinced himself

that he’s grown numb

to these impulses

the warm feelings

the overridden anxiety

that overwhelms him

simply at the thought

of the curly-haired boy

his mindset has worked

for 12 months

52 weeks

365 days

8766 hours

525,960 minutes

31,557,600 seconds

 

louis never expected

to see such a happy face

such alluring eyes

staring back at him

this is beyond his expectations

and he has to bite his lip

to keep it from quivering

has to rub his eyes hard

to keep from crying

because harry is so gorgeous

and there are honestly

a million adjectives

that exist

but none of them

could explain

the extent of his beauty

and harry is back

and when he runs out

to hug louis

to kiss him on the cheek

and tell him

how much he missed him

louis has to pinch himself

because this can’t be real

even though not even his dreams

would allow him such joy

 

harry tells him of his adventures

and how he’s had the time of his life

and how he wishes louis knows

of the things he’s seen

of the people he’s met

of the indescribable beauty

he’s had the honor of witnessing

louis wants to tell him

that he’s beautiful

and that he could watch his mouth

and the way he talked

forever

but he bites his tongue

and remembers that

he’s not supposed to still feel this way

and when harry asks him

what he’s done the past year

louis stares straight ahead

and thinks hard about the question

and the more he thinks

the more it crashes down on him

that harry has seen exciting things

and louis has done nothing

and it breaks his heart

that he’s let himself fall apart

that he’s fooled himself

into thinking that every trick

was clearing him

from the pain harry left behind

when the truth was

louis has only gotten worse

and now he can’t even think straight

not because of the poison

still pumping through his blood

not because of the love

still curdling in his veins

but because harry is here

and everything he’s taught himself to fear

this past year

his feelings

and his hatred

and his thoughts

have never left him

the only thing that left

was harry

but he left behind a broken heart

that would never mend

 

louis goes home

and finds zayn’s body

dangling from the ceiling

and he doesn’t make a sound

when the police arrive

and take him away

he thinks that maybe

he’d follow after his friend

if only the rope were less bloody

 

louis doesn’t attend the funeral

he can’t afford to do that

he refuses to accept

that zayn is gone

his best friend

he doesn’t know

how he’ll go on

 

it rains nine feet a year

in the amazon rain forest

and stress is pouring over louis

tearing him apart

from the inside out

and maybe he needs help

but he’s so used to the change

and knows perfectly well

that if he steps out into the open

the beams of sunlight

will burn away his skin

 

harry tries so hard

he calls louis

but the phone is never on

some days louis doesn’t even bother

getting out of bed

he barely remembers to feed himself

not that the hunger is ever there anyway

he turns on his phone sometimes

and there’s always a little smirk

every time he reads a message

because he knows harry cares

or thinks he cares

but he can’t bother to respond

because he doesn’t need the attention

and he’s just

so

done

 

harry ends up coming over

hangs out by the front door

says he’s worried about louis

and that he wants to be here

wants to stay with him

however long it took

to make him feel better

to make him forget

about the death of his friend

and at this point

louis doesn’t really have the will

to argue

or to push harry away

because he’s already here

and he looks so happy

and louis can’t take that away from him

 

harry sleeps on the couch

and louis can hardly breathe

with the realisation

that the boy he loves

more than anything in this world

or really

the only thing he loves

and cares about

at this point

is in his flat

and not beside him

and it really shouldn’t hurt him

as much as it does

because harry’s been gone for awhile

and louis should be used to it

 

harry feeds him

harry clothes him

harry leaves for uni

he works at a bakery across the street

but he always comes back

he’s always smiling

when he sees louis again

and louis tries to smile too

if only to make harry happy

 

louis still feels pathetic

and sometimes

when they’re curled up on the sofa

watching lame movies

on saturday mornings

louis wants to swallow

the dry lump in his throat

and come right out with it

tell harry how much he loves him

how much he craves to touch him

and feel his heartbeat

or even to thank him

for sticking around

despite how much of a fuck-up he is

but instead

all that comes out is

his futile attempt

at asking harry

to change the channel

 

louis is up and about

within the next few weeks

they do their laundry together

they eat together

they talk and laugh together

and one time

it’s late at night

and louis is fighting himself

his face pressed into a pillow

tears leaking onto the fabric

and the muffled sounds

seem to echo

because louis hates himself

so much

and he feels warmth around him

which isn’t the anxious sweat

he’s accustomed to

and when he realises

that it’s harry

holding him

and whispering

comforting words to him

his body grows less tense

his breathing becomes

somewhat normal

and he sleeps

for the first time

in months

 

when louis wakes

the next morning

he doesn’t expect

to see harry beside him

and it’s so frightening

and unbelievable

and confusing

and louis would leave

at this very moment

if green orbs

weren’t staring back at him

 

harry doesn’t ask him

if he’s okay

because it’s pointless

but he hypnotises him

with tantalising gazes

and says he’s sorry

for whatever

is troubling him

and that he wants to help

but he doesn’t know how

louis feels like crying

because he never thought

he’d live to see the day

where harry would look at him

with cautious eyes

and try to figure him out

even though it’s a wasted effort

so he tells harry that

he appreciates the concern

but that he can’t be fixed

then he rolls to his side

and tries to ignore the eyes

gaping at his back

 

one day harry makes

the executive decision

to get him help

after watching him

snort the white powder

when he tried

to take it away

louis panicked

and threatened

to kill harry

and then himself

and he thinks that maybe

this is the moment in time

where harry truly understands

how fucked up he is

 

so louis goes to rehab

and resents harry

and maybe even hates him

though to be honest

he’s hated him a little

this entire time

and when he comes home

seven months later

clean and reborn

he thinks he might finally

stand a chance

 

as harry takes him home

he smiles with his teeth

only every now and then

as if he’s afraid

that he’ll break louis

but louis is fixed now

or at least the meds did that

and so louis informs him of that

and harry’s smile grows brighter

and he has to pull over

to tell louis that

he’s proud of him

he’s missed him

despite his frequent visits

he’s wanted him to be well

for the longest time

and that the only thing

he asks of louis

is to try to be happy

just for him

and louis

of course

can’t say no to that

 

harry holds him close that night

and every night after that

and louis hates the position he’s in

where he’s so vulnerable

that harry has to be at his side

all the time

but at the same time

he can’t really complain

because this is all he’s wanted

for a very long time

 

he wakes up

with harry’s arms

around his waist

and has to resist

flipping around

and kissing him

but he can’t ruin

this moment

and maybe he would

use the word

relationship

because there is nothing

there to ruin

but he can feel harry’s hands

shaking sometimes

traveling up his stomach

and it makes him shiver

because he’s been touched like this

millions of times

even by strangers

but it’s never made him feel

so open

so frightened

so apprehensive

 

sometimes when harry’s

away in his sleep like this

louis will stare at him

and think about what he’d say

if he had the opportunity

to tell him how he felt

except everything he wants to say

is stuck at the tip of his tongue

but so far out of reach

so he closes his eyes

and bites his tongue

and hates himself

for being

such a

coward

 

louis does so well

for the next month

he eats every meal

he showers every day

he even leaves the house

due to support from harry

he even grows the balls

to thank harry

for everything he’s done

to which harry only beams

and says that

it isn’t a problem

and that he loves

being here for louis

that he loves louis

and that he’ll

never leave

and louis wishes

he could believe

any of that

so he simply smiles

and tells harry

he loves him too

except he means it

 

somehow

harry walks in

at the wrong time

he finds louis

standing by the bathroom sink

holding a blade to his skin

his face red

and soaked with tears

and harry takes the razor from him

and throws it away

and cleans the blood from his skin

wipes the tears from his face

presses kisses to his skin

and does everything he can

to make him feel less broken

and they don’t ever

speak of this again

 

amanda comes over

sometimes

and louis has to restrain himself

from beating her with a stick

even though she’s done

nothing to him

louis used to pay attention

to everything harry did

like the way he’d compare

how harry looked at him

to how he looked at amanda

and all his friends told him

that harry looked at him

in a way that was different

than how he looked

at anybody else

but louis never believed that

but a part of him

knew it was true

but he couldn’t bear

to think so

because he knew

he must have

misinterpreted it all

even now

as the three of them

situate at the dinner table

eating the delectable steak

harry’s graciously cooked

another thing louis loves about him

the fact that he can cook

louis thinks that harry

is always watching him

from the corner of his eye

and even as amanda

speaks about something

louis couldn’t care less about

harry only watches her

and nods when he needs to

and louis figures

he should do the same

but when it’s his turn to talk

it’s like harry’s world

lights up just from the sound

of louis’ voice

and he legitimately involves himself

into the conversation

as if he’s enjoying himself

and the way they get on so well

as if he genuinely cares

about leaving a good impression

as if to make up

for the times he hasn’t

but louis knows

deep inside

that he’s loved harry

through good and bad

and he’ll always love him

 

one day

when they’re doing laundry together

louis slips out a joke

and harry laughs

and louis laughs

and ten minutes later

they’re on the floor

red-faced and crying

because of an inside joke

harry brought up

and louis says

he’s missed this

and that he wishes

every day could be like this

and harry says

that louis is absolutely beautiful

when he’s smiling

and that there’s nothing

holding him back

from spending every day like this

and louis somehow

ends up pinning harry

to the ground

and tickling him all over

and then kissing his cheeks

and then his neck

and then he stops

because harry is watching him

with soulful eyes

and louis wants to kiss

his rosy lips

because he’s wanted this

for so long

and he wants harry so much

he’s afraid if he does it

he’ll never want to pull away

so he takes his sweet time

and smiles at harry

cracking some jokes

trying to ease the tension

he starts to wonder

how he still has butterflies

after three years

and even though harry was gone

it’s like he’s never left

because it all feels the same

but so new at the same time

and finally

harry bites his lip

and tells louis

to just kiss him already

and louis’ expression doesn’t falter

but his heart pounds in his chest

as he connects their lips together

and he briefly compares

how high and alive he feels now

to the drugs

permanently embedded in him

and he pulls harry closer

kissing him whole-heartedly

he whispers against his lips

an ‘i love you’

and harry mumbles the same words back

and they kiss for maybe an hour

but nobody is keeping track

 

later

when their limbs

are wrapped together

in the sheets

harry admits

that he’s so happy

louis kissed him

because he’s wanted to

ever since they met

but he’s always been shy

and unsure of how

to properly express

his feelings

and louis tells him

everything that’s been lingering

in his mind

for the past three years

and it takes him a long time

to get the words

to leave his mouth

but when it’s all out

tears are streaming

down his face

and it’s a beautiful

mix of emotions

and there’s a burning

in his heart

that’s always been there

and even though it was harry

who ignited the flame

it was also he

who put out the fire

and strung louis back together

piece by piece

 

when harry had gone to new york

that dreadful year

he learned a lot

about the world

and he wants

to show louis

the world

 

three months later

they leave doncaster

and travel across the country

to new and better places

and harry has always loved the city life

and louis needed a change

and so they find a nice flat

in london

and it takes them two days

to unpack everything

and louis is a little nervous

but they’re smiling

because they truly

have lived together before

and this was nothing different

 

louis applies for uni

and harry tries out

for x-factor

and when he’s walking across the stage

and makes it

there are tears in louis’ eyes

and he’s so proud

because harry fucking deserves

the best

and he was finally getting it

 

the days become easier now

returning to school is hard

but louis comes home

to harry

and he thinks he can

finally accept

that life is beautiful

and he can truly be happy

because he’s good enough

not only for harry

but to do anything

he sets his heart to do

 

he becomes a drama teacher

three years later

harry proposes to him

in the middle of a lecture

and it’s so unexpected

and surreal

and absolutely

the most romantic

situation

louis has found himself in

because

he can now spend the rest of his days

marking harry with his love

and getting the same in return

 

it’s true that life is fast-paced

and not always what you expect

but if you breathe slowly

and stop to catch your breath

if only every so often

you’ll find that

you’ve made the right choice

by taking that risk


End file.
